Discovering Self

I’ve Found It. Finally

modestpurple — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 01:00:09 +0000

I think I’ve found my happiness…

my peace

my contentment

…no, I don’t think. I know.

Don’t Fool Yourself

modestpurple — Mon, 17 May 2010 00:02:56 +0000

Last week in my English class, my English teacher told us, while talking about a paper that was due, “You can fool others, but don’t fool yourself”. Those words have been stuck in my head ever since she said it. It’s as if she was talking to me.

How long can you fool yourself into happiness?

Tired

modestpurple — Fri, 07 May 2010 03:48:08 +0000

I’m so tired. I’m tired of everyone and everything…I’m tired of myself.

I feel like my identity changes everyday. I never know who I am or what I want out of life.

Why would God allow anyone to go through this? I am sincerly seeking out his help everyday, and I guess I’ve grown so spiritually exhausted that I just don’t care about practicig Islam anymore…maybe that’s why? I want to be strong in my iman. Where is God, exactly? When people (not just me) are suffering everyday of their lives, where is God to ease their suffering? There’s so much suffering in this world and no trace of God ending it.

People tell me “read or listen to the Quran” “read the Bible” in order for me to feel better…I’ve done both and neither work. I’m still stuck with myself every second of every day wondering when I’m going to be happy with who I am as a person.

I Think I Finally Know What I Want Out Of Life

modestpurple — Tue, 04 May 2010 13:45:32 +0000

There are three things that I’ve realized are very important to me: working with children, taking care of the earth, and having a healthy lifestyle. But that’s not all, I also would love to help people. I want to do volunteer work over seas and right here in America. It hurts for me to see others suffering, and I want to help ease or end their suffering if I can help it. I want to live my life knowing I’m doing something meaningful in someone elses life. I feel like it’s selfish to have the ability to help others, complain about bad things going on in the world, and do nothing about it. I’m tired of being that person. I don’t feel like anything else is more important to me than working with children, taking care of our earth, having a healthy lifestyle, and helping the needy.

I’m not really sure yet how I’m going to go about doing the things that I want to do, but I will figure it out eventually.

I Feel A Weight On My Shoulders

modestpurple — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 21:54:12 +0000

I’m at my college right now and ever since before I got here this morning I feel like there’s been a weight on my shoulders. It has nothing to do with my book bag on the two text books I’m carrying around. I just feel heavy. My back literally hurts….it’s as if my meltdown is taking a toll on me physically.

Today I’m dressed in bright colors, but inside I feel dark, depressed, alone…I’m really sad, and it’s hard to tell with me because I’m generally a positive person. Everything I do is a struggle…from walking across campus to doing classwork. I even have homework I should be doing right now but I just don’t feel like it. I feel so….exhausted.

I really wish this would end.

Islam and Happiness

modestpurple — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 18:33:06 +0000

I can’t remember the last time I made a post on here. I used to post almost everyday. But latley I haven’t had much to say. Probably because I’ve been having a minor meltdown for the past week or so…

I am still Muslim. I haven’t left again, alhumdullilah. But my mother is convinced that I will end up leaving Islam again, since that has basically been the cycle I’ve been going through for the past year or so. Although I have thought about it, I can’t see myself doing that again. What would I do? That’s what I’d ask myself…what will I do if I leave Islam again? I’m not saying I can’t see my life without Islam, but I just don’t know how to be spiritualy and mentally content without it. Anytime I was without religion I would try to find answers that human beings have yet to find..just so that I could be content and happy with life. I found myself to be less happy than I started out as because I was always frustrated that I couldn’t find answers. I’m an over analytical person, that’s probably why I can’t settle down…because I’m always changing my mind.

What’s frustrating about being me is that I never know when my mind will change again. Everyday I’m afraid that something will make me change my mind about Islam again. It’s almost as if I can’t think for myself.

I’m going to try to live in the now, and try not to stress about what might or might not happen.

I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore

modestpurple — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 03:10:14 +0000

Most would probably look at me and think that I am a happy young woman, content with life. I am not. Beyond this smiling face and kind words is a girl who is so unsure of her own identity that she just wants to run away from this life.

I can no longer tell who I am, and who I am not. I don’t know what I want out of life. I don’t know what I want from others. I just feel so lost and confused about who I truly am. I’m happy to be Muslim, there’s no doubt about that…but I can’t help but feel something is missing. Something is not right.

Just yesterday I was walking outside and saw a city bus. I seriously considered getting on that bus although I had no idea where it was going. I want to go away. I don’t know where I want to go, but I just want to leave. I feel trapped. I feel stuck in a life that I’m not meant to live. Something is not right.

All I want is to go away for a very long time.

I Think I’m Muslim…Again…

modestpurple — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 14:35:33 +0000

I’ve been avoiding this for the past couple of days. I’m afraid that I might be Muslim again. I’m scared because I didn’t want this to happen so quickly. I wasn’t expecting it to. I planned on spending at least several weeks studying about Islam in depth, before coming to a conclusion about whether or not I believe in it again. But I can’t help it. I’ve been in denial, telling myself “no, you don’t believe in this…you’re not Muslim…it’s too soon to make a decision…”. But it’s so hard to deny an obvious fact about yourself. I’ve been saying that I don’t want to label myself, but I can’t help but feel this way. It’s hard after all I’ve been dealing with previously. I just don’t want to jump right into this. I need to step back and evaluate myself…why do I believe in Islam?

I don’t want to be Muslim, but I think I am. I’m afraid that I’m just continuing in this never ending cycle of reverting back to Islam, losing my faith, leaving Islam, feeling lost, looking to Islam, and reverting back…I want that to end. That’s why I’m so afraid of accepting that I might be Muslim again.

What Do I Believe?

modestpurple — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 19:17:38 +0000

As I sit here in my college library, cold from the air-conditioning (it’s a warm day today!) I’ve begun to think about the things I’ve been learning about Islam and the history of religion for the past few days. Last night I sat at the computer for hours researching information about Islam, and older religious myths. There were things that made me think that I should revert back, but then other things made me not want to. One thing I’ve learned is that there is evidence to suggest that some of the stories of the Quran (as well as the Bible and Torah) were copied from older myths. This would include the story of Noah, Moses, and Jesus. But some people have said that there is reason to believe that these stories were originally told a long time ago, but other religions took them and changed them….so the stories had been changed many times…and so the Quran is just re-telling them the way they are meant to be.

I’ve begun to think about whether or not I believe that these stories in the Quran actually happened. Naturally I would say “no” because of what I’ve learned of religions copying one anothers stories (or myths). But then I wonder if I only feel this way because I think I should, or because I really don’t believe they are true.

It’s very difficult for me to explain my thinking a lot of the time. It’s as if I believe one thing, I know something else, but I don’t want to believe in it. I can’t really tell the difference between what I truly believe and what I want to believe. I know I definitley believe in God, and to some extent I believe the Quran is perfect (I know that doesn’t make any sense). As for everything else, I am still researching and learning. I don’t know how long it will take me to finally have my epiphany (if at all). It might be a few hours, a few days, or a few years (hopefully not that long!) I just don’t want to jump into things too quickly, not being sure of what I really believe in. I’ve made that mistake too many times before.

Of All Religions, WHY ISLAM?????????

modestpurple — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 04:50:28 +0000

Of all the religions I have learned about (Buddhism, Sikhism, Hinduism, Paganism, etc…) I have always felt most drawn to Islam. Of all the religions, why Islam? I’ve been asking myself that. What is it about this religion that keeps me coming back, even after losing my faith so many times before? I learn of all these horrible things people say about Islam, yet I keep going back to it over and over and over. I will sometimes look into other religious beliefs, but always find myself drawn back to Islam one way or another.

So I wonder, why? I can’t figure it out. It’s like something in me knows something about Islam, but I can’t really identify what it is…Muslims have told me that it’s because Islam is the truth and that I am meant to be Muslim. That could be the reason, I don’t know. Maybe it’s just because Islam was the religion that I choose for myself (rather than my family)…I went against the religion of my family (Christianity) and decided what I believed rather than what I was raised to believe. It could be a number of reasons. But how can I really know?

I’ve learned of the origins of religious belief (or what’s been studied about it), and many convincing arguments against Islam. Despite all of this, I still go back to Islam everytime. It never fails. I have yet to understand why. I’ve been given reasons, but I’d like to understand for myself.

I love Islam. But what is it about this religion that I love so much?